Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Unrealistic Expectations

Single Male 49 needs girlfriend

Im looking for a replasement girlfreind that left me// we always fight, so why bother styaing in a relationship with a fucking bitch? .Im looking for skinnywoman with no issues please be pretty and understanding, sexual in bed plus you will cook for mebecuase i can't. Must be pretty, thin, young attractive most important mid 20s under 30 i have trailer and job. Kevinn email kevinnXXXXX @ XXXXX.com

WWHM reader SR writes in:

"Weasel I find it funny how these fat, unattractive, old guys show their cocks in personal ads and say they are seeking 'attractive, thin, young women'. Look at yourself! Go on a diet! Why do they do that?"

Well, luckily for you readers, I was at least able to slice off Kevinn's penis. Unfortunately I used Photoshop, so I'm only speaking metaphorically. On that note, if Lorena Bobbitt ever feels the need to hurl another hastily amputated pair of genitals out of a truck window, all she has to do is visit my "Recycle Bin." It's like a fucking catch basket for a medieval penis guillotine.

SR, that's a great question. Time and time again on WWHM, we find disrespectful assholes posting grainy cellphone photos of their sagging scrotums online, and then expect a Heidi Klum look-alike in red fishnets to break down their trailerhome screen doors holding a tube of KY Jelly in one hand and a steaming bowl of garbanzo beans with a T-bone steak in the other.

Clueless idiots frequently suffer from delusions of grandeur. An ideology that they can expect certain standards from women, yet don't have to meet those same standards themselves. Hence:

"...she has to be thin ..." he scribes, as he generously coats another healthy, whole harp seal with margarine and swallows it like an Advil.

".....I want her to be young......" he ponders in the elevator at Target, gyrating rhythmically while snapping his fingers enthusiastically to instrumental versions of 50's Bing Crosby show tunes.

"...and she must be attractive...." he insists, as two pustulating boils threaten to merge on the crown of his nose like a chain of active Pacific volcanoes, blocked only by the emerging row of malformed horse teeth currently emanating from his nasal passages.

Fortunately, in real environments, women usually respond to these aggressive, gangrenous blowhards by kicking them in the fucking balls so hard their stomachs will have to digest more white swimmers than a starving shark in Laguna Beach on a Labor Day weekend.

By the way, I love the term "replacement girlfriend." Apparently you ladies should stamp 'General Electric' on your asses, because you're just as disposable as a common lightbulb. The next woman to date this guy will have something in common with a lightbulb, however.

She'll be screwed.

26 comments:

Richelle said...

Wow, I love how he says "WE" always fight and then blames her for being a fucking bitch... perhaps we ought to buy this guy one of those "Real Dolls" women... she would fit the bill perfectly, AND she wouldn't be a "fucking bitch". Sure, she wouldn't cook, but he could stand to go on a diet...

SassyBrunette said...

"plus you will cook for mebecuase i can't"

Somehow I don't believe this. Looks to me like he has no problem finding food. He's probably just too lazy to cook.

Dream big...also perhaps a future angry second post candidate when no one responds.

Havocec said...

I agree with richelle, the real doll is the best solution to this mans problem.

Bellesouth said...

He had me at "fucking bitch." But then he lost me at "trailer."

Kokorami said...

Geez, from the looks of him, you don't have to cook so much as throw him seven lbs. of grain pellets, half a small bale of hay, 1 1/2 lbs. of fruit, and three lbs. of vegetables (according to the National Zoo). If the weather were nice, you could let him graze a bit, and, at this time of year, let him bob for pumpkins in the pool. Expensive, but not a lot of cooking involved!

Moron. I have friends in varying degrees of overweight and could also stand to lose a few myself...but NONE of us are stupid enough to expect George Clooney to materialize on our doorsteps. Pa-thet-ic.

bad_wolf said...

Just what is it with all these guys just expecting the 'perfect girl' to just show up? Really, go out and work for it moron. And note, calling your last girlfriend a bitch like that and telling the next that you just want a domestic servant is really attractive too.

Floyd said...

Dear Blubberous Lump in the trailer park:
Porn lied. Skinny, attractive, 20 somethings who can cook have no interest in dressing in a gold lam'e bikini to shovel more doughnuts into your piehole as you yank on the chain around their neck.
They have sexcapades with young, fit attractive men in places ranging from frigid snow banks to the movie theater to the kitchen sink. Your demands that they service you in bed will be met with the same titter they use when a cute puppy poops on the rug. Unfortunately for you, Kevinn, they'd pick up the turd barehanded before they'd give you a handjob.
Sincerely,
Reality

Weasel said...

Well played, Floyd. Well played.

RebelJubilee said...

Dammit Floyd, I was really going for that gold lam'e bikini and then you had to go and mention young, fit and attractive along with snowbanks and the movie theatres. You just killed it for kevin, I'm off to find that snowbank where you've got some guy preserved waiting for me

CaliGirl9 said...

Just ewwww. That photo goes with that ad and that walrus is looking for a slender young thing who wants a tub 'o lard who has his own trailer? AND she will get to throw slop at it too? What a bargain!

Man boobs nearly always are plenty enough for me to be repulsed. Don't care to see the netherregions.

Kevinn, meet your brother in perversity and derangement, Ta Bo from Japan (the real doll collector). Those girls won't ever leave your trailer, cheat on you or compete for food! Might I suggest you invest in some? I do believe slender 20-something models are quite easy to acquire.

jax said...

sign me up! i mean where else am i going to be called a fucking bitch,forced to cook and have sex with nasty verbal abusers?

oh ya...jail.

Ashers said...

Pretty, thin, young attractive mids 20's.

Don't want much does he ???

Kevinn.....two words....rhymes with telescope & envelope & periscope....

No Hope !!!

Walk On said...

"All the good ones are either gay or taken."

Weasel, I'm pretty sure you are on the way to proving that!

This is the exact reason why I'm single... men seem to expect more out of women than they are willing to offer us. You want a hard body girlfriend? Go get a hard body yourself. You want us to cook and feed you? Learn to rub our feet.

And ya know this guy is also one who wants his poker night w/ his buddies, but throws a hissy fit if she dares to go hang out with her girlfriends.

Meh.

Thank you for re-affirming my decision to stay single!

Mary said...

Floyd has me crying...must comment later...

Ella said...

Walk On: Solidarity!
I'm single and def not regretting it.

This guy sure is a catch. A trailer! Score.

hersheygirl said...

Uh, yeah. Or he better have a lot of money. Like enough to keep me in a level of halucinogens to make me beleive he's a hybrid of Brad Pitt and George Clooney.
Oh wait, wasn't there something about a trailer?
Looks like you're SOL booby, er, buddy.

Liz said...

I'll say one thing for you, darling. This does make me hate men. Honestly, it doesnt matter how skinny his woman is, because she still wont be able to find his cock under those rolls.

Tribblehappy said...

I saw a mug at the gift shop today. It said,
"I think, Therefore I'm Single."

*sigh* So true.

Nosnikta said...

I think that what bothers me most about this is that he writes "fucking bitch" right in his ad. Mmmm hmmm yeah... like you are going to treat a new thin woman any better?

As far as cooking goes... it looks to ME like you have no problem finding something to stuff in your face. If I were to cook for you, I would lace it with something nasty and then while you were passed out, I would poke you with a stick.

Yep.. I'M a fucking bitch, and it's best you know that from the start. :-) (dances prettily away)

Mack Truck said...

So this fat, disgusting old pervert with moobs almost as big as my own wants someone "young, pretty, thin, and no issues" to cook, clean, and give him sex.

Y'know what, I want Johnny Depp. I actually have more chance of bagging and bedding the luscious Mr. Depp than this asswipe does finding ANY woman of any age to take him up on his oh so generous offer to take care of his lard ass.

He has a TRAILER?! Good gawd, I have a house! A real house made of bricks and wood! Not something I can hitch up to the ratty old F150 and haul off in the middle of the night 'cause I ain't paid my trailer park bill.

This guy makes me all crabby and stabby, and I want to kick his fat ass into the middle of next month.

fuglyhorseoftheday said...

I'm too old for him and I've never been happier about that.

Stacia said...

in the elevator at Target

Wait, there are multi-storey Targets out there? Someone needs to inform me of these things.

I'd comment on Kevinn but the reality is just too horrible to think about.

Anonymous said...

Kevin,

Of course you want a skinny girl half your age who can cook and clean and do the horizontal mambo with you. All fat slobs who live in trailers want the same thing.

I want to win the lottery, and you know what? I believe my chances are MUCH better than yours!

Anonymous said...

Fail on the final joke.

Anonymous said...

Actually, I think it's a good thing that the man was honest! I mean, is it better to read a nice ad and then go meet the guy and find out too late that he has demands like these? He was doing us a favour.

Anonymous said...

Why do we have to be skinny for a fucking deadbeat in a trailer? He might as well have written "looking for skinny, gorgeous servant to live with me in my stinky trailer". Jesus.